Bill has worked in a pickle factory.

 Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years.

One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.

A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen.

His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?"

"Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

His wife gasps, "My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, um, she got fired, too."

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Jim decided to propose to Sandy-Funny Joke

 Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance.

Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness.

She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old.

He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much.

“I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.”

She said, “Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant penis.”

Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait so Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touch teasing, holding one

another.

As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room!

Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.

She said, “You told me your penis was the size of an infant!”

“Yes it is: 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!”

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A wife got so mad at her husband -Funny Joke

 A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."

He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

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A nice respectable lady Funny jokes.

 

A nice respectable lady with a savory smell of perfume got on the bus and took a seat beside me.

After some moments I dared to ask her: "Excuse me lady do you mind me please to ask you what is the name of this perfume and where did you buy it from? I want to buy one for my wife."

The lady responded: "It is Chanel and from Paris."

After about ten minutes later I felt a strong wind in my belly so I slowly blew it out.

Some seconds later she broke and said: "Offf... what is this smell my God"?

I said: "Gar lic and from Gilroy city in California."

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Best Travel Funny Jokes.

 A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

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Celebrate College Graduation Jokes.

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.

They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words.
She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.”
They throw the switch and nothing happens.
They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words.
“I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.”
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.
Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”

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Happy Valentine Day Jokes.

 

Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day.
"Yes," came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, "I've bought her a belt and a bag."
"That was very kind of you," Jim added, 'I hope she appreciated the thought."
Tony smiled as he replied, "So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now."

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Best Valentine's day Jokes.

 

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetie for Valentine's Day.

As they had not been dating very long, it was a very difficult decision.

After careful consideration, he decided a good gift would be a pair of gloves.

Accompanied by his sister, he went to the store and bought the gloves.

His sister purchased a pair of panties at the same time.

The clerk carefully wrapped both items but in the process got them mixed up.

The sister was handed the gloves and the young man got the panties.

The young man mailed his Valentine's Day gift with the following note:

"This special Valentines Day gift was chosen because I noticed you are in the habit of not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she prefers short ones that are much easier to remove.

These are a lovely shade, the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and they looked quite lovely."

I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time; no doubt, other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again."

When you take them off, remember to blow on them lightly before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I'll be kissing them in the future. I hope you'll wear them Friday night for me."

Love, Cuddle Bear

PS: The sales lady says the latest style is to wear them folded down with just a little fur showing.

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Can I Help You? -Funny Jokes

 A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50

HAND JOB: $10.00

He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks.

"Can I help you?" she asks.

"I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"

"Yes," she purrs. "I am."

The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."

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Little Johnny got up to read his- Funny Jokes

The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.

Little Johnny got up to read his.

It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."

"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"

"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."

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Daddy, daddy-Funny Jokes

 Billy, learned at school that everybody has secrets.

So, he decided to take advantage of it.
One day, as he came home from school, he went in front of his mother and told her: "Mommy, mommy! I know everything!"
His mom, obviously scared to death: "Here, take a 100 euros and say NOTHING to your father about it, okay?"
"Okay mommy!" says Billy and leaves the room with a big smile on his face.
When his dad came from work, he did the same to him as well: "Daddy, daddy! I found out everything!"
Numb, his father puts his hand on his pocket: "Here, take a 100 euros and say NOTHING to your mother, okay?"
"Okay!" says Billy with a bigger smile on his face.
The next morning, on his way to school, he sees the Postman.
He thought he could try it to him too: "Mr. Focker, I know everything!"
The Postman, the minute he heard it, fell on his knees and wide opened his arms: "Then, come... Come closer... My son!"

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This is for all my people- Funny Jokes

On the roof of a very tall building are four men; one is asian, one is mexican, one is black, and the last one is white.

The asian walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and jumps off the roof.

Next, the mexican walks to the ledge and also says, "This is for all my people" and then he jumps off the roof.

Next is the black guy's turn.

The black guy walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and then throws the white guy off the roof.

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Your computer is upgraded- Funny jokes.

 Q: How do you know if a Chinese tried to rob your house?

A: You get home and your maths homework is done, your computer is upgraded, and two hours later He is still trying to back out of your driveway.

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A man and his wife funny joke.

 A man and his wife were traveling down the highway when they saw the lights of a patrol car behind them.

When they pulled over, the patrol man came up to the window and said,

"I am going to give you two tickets. One because you were speeding and one because you didn't have your seat belt fastened."

The man said, "I did too have my seat belt fastened. I just loosened it when you came up to the car."

The Patrol Man said to the man's wife, "I know he didn't have his seatbelt fastened. Isn't that right, lady?"

She replied,

"Well, officer. I learned a long time ago not to argue with my husband when he's drunk."

x

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A stranger and Little Johnny funny joke.

 

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger.

"How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny.

"That could be an interesting topic.But let me ask you a question first."

"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass.

The same stuff.

Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.

Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger.

"I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

x

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A new teacher funny joke.

 

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.

She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

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A job interviews Funny jokes.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer enquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

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Funny Jokes About programmer

 Wikipedia: I know everything!

Google: I have everything!

Facebook: I know everybody!

Internet: Without me you are nothing

Electricity: Keep talking bitches!

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Little Johnny's Chemistry teacher-Funny Joke

 

Little Johnny's Chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe what happens to the two the worms," said the professor putting the first worm in the glass of water.
The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed.
He then dropped the second work in the whiskey glass.
It writhed in pain for a moment, then quickly sank to the bottom and died.
"Now kids, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" he asked.
Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"

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A priest was driving down the road one day -Funny Joke

 

A priest was driving down the road one day when getting stopped by a cop.
The cop smelled alcohol on the priest's breath and saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He said to the priest, "Father, have you been drinking?"
The priest replied, "Only water, officer."
The cop then asked him, "Then why can I smell wine?"
The priest looked at the bottle and said, "Good Lord! He's done it again."

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A woman is standing looking in the bedroom mirror- Funny Joke

 A woman is standing looking in the bedroom mirror…
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible;
I look old, fat and ugly… I really need you to pay me a compliment.”
The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”

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Little Johnny kills a honeybee-Funny Joke

 While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee.
His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly.
"That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.
Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor.
She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.
Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

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One day little Johnny was digging a hole in his back yard-Funny Joke

 One day little Johnny was digging a hole in his back yard.

The next-door neighbor spotted him and decided to investigate.

"Hello Johnny, what are you up to?" he asked.

"My goldfish died and I'm gonna bury him," Johnny replied.

"That's a really big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" asked the neighbor.

"That's because he's inside your cat!"

x

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She saw his two male parrots were inside their cage -Funny Joke

 A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" the woman said embarrassingly.

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed."

He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the lady responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

There was a stunned silence.

Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

x

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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic- Funny Jokes

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.

The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray,

"Take only one. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

One child whispered to another, "Take all you want.

God is watching the apples."

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Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off -Funny Jokes

 Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot,"he said.

"An ambulance just drove by."

A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out.

"Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and dad shot up in bed.

"How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

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She looks into his eyes and says calmly -Funny jokes.

 A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello.

He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor

party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."

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A Male patient just recovered successfully- Best Funny Jokes

 A Male patient just recovered successfully from a sex threatening health attack.

He was wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and laying on hospital bed.

An young nurse came to cleanse his body with sponge.

The patient mumbled, “Are my testicles black?”

Nurse replied, “I don’t know Sir, I am just setting you clean”

The patient repeated again, “Are my testicles black?”

Nurse was quite embarrassed to answer the question and said “Sir everything should be OK”

The patient just kept on asking again and again, “Are my testicles black?”

Nurse could not bear a patient concerned so much.

So she raised his gown, moved her hand to find and grab his penis and testicle, moved it all around, checked very closely and suddenly man ejaculated on nurse’s hand.

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, embarrassed at the fiasco says loudly enough, “Ma’am, Thanks but I still need to know 'Are my tests results back?’”

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A young man and his date -funny jokes

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town.

They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
“I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.”
The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window.
“Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.
“Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25…”

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Funny Joke- College

 

Once there was a magical mirror.
When you told the thruth it gave you things, but if you lie to it, it makes you vanish forever.
One day three college girls went to the mirror.
The red head said "I think I'm the smartest one."
Then she got a diploma, scholarship, and got accepted into all the colleges in the world.
The brunette then said "I think I'm the prettiest one."
Then she got a Corvette, mansion, a good looking boyfriend , and a lot of money.
Then the blonde said " I think...*poof*"
Then she suddenly disappeared forever

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Funny Joke- Teacher

 

Teacher and her 3 boy students:

Teacher: “Why did you laugh?”

Boy 1: “I saw a strap of your bra.”

Teacher: “You are punished to stay out of school for one week.”

Boy 2 laughed…

Teacher: “Why did you laugh?”

Boy 2: “I saw your bra straps.”

Teacher: “You are punished to stay out of school for one month.”

Teacher bent down to pickup a chalk. Boy 3 started walking out of the class…

Teacher: “Why are you leaving?”

Boy 3: “I think my school days are over.”

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Funny Jokes- student

A student comes to a young professor's office hours.

She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.

"I would do anything to pass this exam."

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.

"I mean..." she whispers, "

I would do...anything."

He returns her gaze.

"Anything?"

Anything."

His voice softens.

"Anything??"

"Absolutely anything."

His voice turns to a whisper.

"Would you...study?"

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Funny jokes- wife

 A man, his wife and a good-looking stranger are stranded on a desert island.
The wife quickly loses interest in her husband and begins flirting with the good-looking stranger.
The three start to build a watchtower.
The stranger offers to take first watch.
While the husband and wife gather driftwood on the sand, the stranger yells, "Hey! No sex on the beach! Get back to work!"
The husband yells back, "We're not having sex!"
Later, the stranger yells out to them again.
Again, the husband yells back and corrects him.
This happens several times during the stranger's shift.
Finally, the husband's takes his shift in the watch tower.
His wife and the good-looking stranger make passionate love on the beach.
The husband on watch exclaims, "Wow, it really does look like f**king from up here!"

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Funny Jokes-Husband

 A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?"

The husband said, "No sweetie."

The woman said, "I'm sure you would."

So the man said, "Okay, I would"

Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"

And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so."

Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"

And the husband replied, "No, she's left-handed."

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Best Funny Jokes- Marraige

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

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Funny Jokes-Women

 Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee.
The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it.
Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.
The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"
"That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"

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Funny Jokes- Military

 

A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying, “I regret that I cannot remember which one you are.

Please keep your photo and return the others.”

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Funny Joke A Little Johnny.

 

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger.

"How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny.

"That could be an interesting topic.But let me ask you a question first."

"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass.

The same stuff.

Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.

Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger.

"I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

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A Classic long joke for horse.

 

A horse walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Why the long face?" The horse didn't respond, so the bartender figured it was just a clever horse and served it a beer. The horse drank the beer and walked out of the bar. The next day, the horse walked back into the bar with a even longer face. The bartender asked the horse, "What's wrong? Did something happen?" The horse replied, "The bar down the street just opened up and they have a happy hour every day where they serve free hay."

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A young boy Funny Jokes

 

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.

"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied:

"Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!"

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Short Funny Joke Holy cow!

 Holy cow!

A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?”

“Yeah,” the other cow says. “Makes me glad I’m a penguin.”

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